It’s not you. It’s not me, either. It’s US

Another deceptively simple-seeming concept I recently came across can be summed up like this:

“It’s not you. It’s not me. It’s US.”

Seeing a relationship like this lets both parties view it as something outside themselves. Something that exists independently, and therefore as something that can be dissolved without reflecting negatively on either person. It’s not that you’re a bad person, nor am I, it’s just that this relationship isn’t working.

Finding this concept came at a meaningful time for me, as I was contemplating leaving my day job due to ongoing toxic relations with my boss. I was working for a small, like 7 people small, company, so there were few options to escape a toxic relationship.

This seemingly simple concept turns out to be an extremely powerful way of looking at toxic relationships. It effectively takes the *blame* off of both parties, and puts it squarely on the interplay between them.

It turns the squishy concept of a relationship into a tangible thing, a thing that is not working.

I wish I had some sort of concrete advice to add here, the fact of the matter is that I don’t. Relationships are not a strong suit for me, and as such I hesitate to make suggestions in this arena.

What I wanted to do was share this perspective in the hopes that maybe it will help someone else see their own way out of a toxic situation in a way that leaves both parties feeling OK about themselves, and secure in the knowledge that it wasn’t their *fault*.

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